My transgendered child.......one Mom's story
This article is reprinted with permission by the author, from a blog she made regarding her TG child. Thank you to "Anne R.", proud and grateful mom to three amazing kids, for sharing your heartfelt and inspiring story with the world.
I am posting my story publicly, because I feel that it is important to reach out to other mothers who may be raising a child with Gender Identity Disorder, aka Gender Dysphoria.
This is NOT about RELIGION or POLITICS. I am not interested in hearing your views on whether this is "right" or "wrong." This isn't a debate. I will delete any posts that bring religion or politics into the discussion. I will delete any posts that contain bashing or name calling.
I am posting my story to let others know that a "normal" family, living a "normal" life, can include a child who is transgendered.
*I will not be using real names in this post.
~~~Today, I only refer to my son with masculine pronouns and by his new name, Max*. But, I find myself referring to him by his given name when talking about him as a small child. I hope this doesn't get confusing for everyone.~~~
Looking back now, I realize that by age 2 1/2, Kayla* chose to play only with boys. This was not just an occasional occurrence. This was across the board. I can name every little best friend she had from the time she was 3 yrs old. There were Scotty & Leancon. Then...Luke & Ross. Next came Asa. In Kindergarten, her best friends were Ivan, Brian, Adam & Cody. (Max remembers having his first crush on a little girl in Kindergarten.) Then it was Jonathon and Jace. Jace lived across the street from us...so they remained best friends through grade school.
Kayla was really, truly a beautiful little girl. She had long brown hair just like her big sister Jenny*. I used to fix their hair to match. I used to dress them to match, too. But, by the time Kayla was in Kindergarten, she started to resist the girl clothes and cute hairstyles that I chose for her. She finally talked us into letting her get her beautiful hair cut. We compromised and had it styled into a little bob. She was ecstatic when I let her choose some shirts from the boy section. She totally identified with her Daddy. She would wait to see what Mike* was wearing before she picked out her clothes for the day, because she wanted to dress like him.
We thought our little girl was your typical tomboy....maybe on the extreme end of the scale. Although she regularly chose "boy" toys, she still played dolls and house with Jenny.....but she ALWAYS was the DAD, not the mama. Also, every doll that she chose for herself was a boy doll. It ain't easy finding boy babydolls. One time, there were no boy dolls to be had.........so Kayla chose a rubber alligator instead.
When Kayla was 7 or 8 yrs old, Mike and I had a conversation about "what if...." Our big one was what if Kayla is gay????? We pretty much agreed that she probably was. We decided that we would let her lead us. We had always been open-minded and open-hearted. That is the example that our kids grew up with. We didn't know anyone close to us who was gay. But we made sure that we included every kind of relationship when we talked about Mommies & Daddies & Babies & Families. So, we just carried on with life, basically accepting that our little girl was a lesbian. NO BIG DEAL.
A couple of interesting things that happened during Max's childhood....he (she) insisted that he never wanted to do the HEE HEE WHOOO breathing that mommies do when they had their babies. He said, "Mom, I don't want to do HEE HEE WHOOO." When I finally figured that out, I realized he was saying that he did not want to give birth.
Another thing was his reaction after a church service that he attended. We raised our kids with an open policy as far as church and religion goes. We discussed different religions at home, although we did not practice a religion. If they ever wanted to go to church with their friends, we totally supported that. They ended up going to Awana's, Vacation Bible School and Sunday School with various friends. When Max was in the 4th grade, he began to attend church & Awana's regularly with Jace, his best friend who lived across the street. In Awana's, if they memorized bible verses, they earned Awana Dollars that they could spend in the "store." Well, this was right up Max's alley. He owned those damned bible verses and was a rich son of a bitch!!!! For his efforts, he was awarded his very own bible. He was so proud.
One Sunday, he came home from church and looked a little rough. He didn't really say much then. Later, he told me that he was putting his bible away. Of course, I asked him why. He told me that pastor said that the bible says that homosexuality is wrong and the homos will all go to hell. He said, "I don't believe that." Remember, this child was only in 4th grade........so 9 yrs old. I told him that I didn't believe that either, but that some Christians interpret the bible differently and they think that it says those things. I hugged him and told him how sorry I was that they believed that way and that I knew how important church and his bible was to him. He really took that hard.........it was a true loss.
Anyway.............Jr. High was a huge transition. It suddenly became apparent that boys & girls didn't hang around together as 'best friends'. Max befriended several girls who eventually became his circle. And wouldn't you know it.......but these girls were all raised in fairly conservative Christian families. There were plenty of times when they pressured Max to become a Christian. The reason Max was drawn to these girls was because he was a "good" kid and so were they. They all got excellent grades, were respectful at school, were involved in music and clubs, etc.
Max continued to stand out as a very masculine female. He was accepted for the most part. There were some ignorant comments from the close-minded hicks that populate this area. But....Max is special. He attracts people. He shines. He is adorable, charismatic and very funny. Teachers absolutely loved him.
As he moved into high school, things started to change. He started to have "moods." He and Mike were at each other's throats all the time. It was the beginning of a very rough couple of years.
Right about the age of 15, he came out to us as bi-sexual. (which I now know is very common for transgendered youth) When he told us that, we said "Yeah, we figured that." Max asked Mike if he hated him. Mike said, "I loved you yesterday. I loved you 5 minutes ago. I'll love you tomorrow and for the rest of your life. You are the same person and nothing will make me stop loving you." So as far as acceptance from his parents.......Max was hooked up.
He eventually met a girl out in the city, which is about 70 miles from us. They were girlfriends for quite awhile. But things were not healthy between them. Max started cutting himself. He eventually attempted suicide twice and ended up in the hospital after the second attempt. We couldn't figure out why he was so troubled. We searched for and tried out several counselors. They were all wonderful, but none of them could really reach him. Finally, my therapist recommended someone who wasn't in practice anymore. She taught Gender Studies at a small college out in the Valley. I called her and explained what we had been going through. She agreed to take Max on as a client. We had to pay out of pocket every week. She lives about 20 miles up a river in the boonies. But, I took Max there every week. She helped him so much. Collectively, we concluded that Max needed to get out of our small town as soon as he could manage. We set up with the school for him to accelerate his studies....we had to pay for some college courses, too. He was able to graduate a year early and move out to the city. He moved in with Jenny, who had been going to college out there.
Once he was out there, Max got hooked into the GLBTQ youth community. This is a very, very gay-friendly city. As a matter of fact, they just elected the nation's first openly gay Mayor!!!! Anyway, once Max was with his people....it all started to fall into place. He realized, after much research, that he was transgender. When he told us....it all made perfect sense................but...............now we were on this really scary road.
You go through a bunch of different emotions when you realize your child is transgendered. I went through a grieving period. I felt that I had literally lost my little girl. I was so fucking sad about that. Then Oprah had her first show about trans kids. I watched it and bawled through the whole thing. Something finally clicked for me. I was NOT losing my little girl. I was losing a label. My CHILD is my CHILD no matter what sex, gender or orientation.
With a medical diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, Max started his transition when he was about 18.....first step is hormones. Today, he is fully transitioned. He has had irreversible sex- reassignment surgeries. He is physically, emotionally, medically, legally a male. He is my son. My beautiful, sensitive, brilliant son.
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